And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
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Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
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What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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