Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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