had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You took a bar mat shot.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
