Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
