I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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