I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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