now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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