i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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