thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
