It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
