your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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