I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
