you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
