Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
