I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
