i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
