if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
