I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
