Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
