Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
