It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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