I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
