mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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