I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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