He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
