Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
