he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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