We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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