Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
