my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
