i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
