If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
