420 ftw
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
