Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
