shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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