Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
