I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Randomize
