I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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