Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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