You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
