Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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