My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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