If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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