She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
