I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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