i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
