i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
