I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
