Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
