My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
