Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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