i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
