sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
