I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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