He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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