Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
