He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
