I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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