Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
