What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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