Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
