on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
