I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
