...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
