Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
