i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
