dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
And then he peed in my hair
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