It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
